Healing Cries Out - Why I Got Into New Age
- Kristina Gonzales
- Feb 1
- 14 min read
I've shared my testimony many times before, and you can go read more about it in the "About Me" section of my website. But, this is the first time I am sharing it this way, and my prayer for this was to be more raw, honest, and vulnerable as one can be online.
Although I have testified as to God delivering me out of new age and making me completely new, I haven’t gotten too deep as to why I even got into those things in the first place.
There’s something about writing that I’ve always loved because it allows me to share my thoughts quicker than what my mind can comprehend. I love preaching the Word of God, I love speaking the Word out loud, and I love opening up my mouth and declaring the promises of God. As a believer, we hold so much authority in weight when we SPEAK.
But I believe and trust that words on paper (or in this case the endless abyss of the internet) can touch and reach anyone just as much as one who speaks audibly. I think about books I’ve read where I’ve cried, where I got so angry at the characters that I had to take a break from reading, or where I got so surprised that I put my book down and started talking to an imaginary audience dissecting and giving my thoughts and opinions on a passage in a book (booklovers - don’t act like you haven’t done this before).
My prayer for anyone who reads this whole thing is for you to be drawn to Jesus (John 12:32). For you to see that all of the rabbit holes you keep chasing, all the healing avenues you keep going down to give you freedom and some form of hope, all the ways you try to connect to God that doesn’t point you to the cross that Jesus bore on His back - all of it are dry and empty wells. You find yourself depleted over and over again, finding yourself chasing the next thing to fill up that empty, gaping, and hurting wound in your soul.
There’s a man who chases after you, who died for you while you rejected Him and abused Him, a man who offers freedom, forgiveness, and who breaks off your chains and shackles. He is not just some religious figure, a man who was a good teacher, and who we can learn from His moral codes and teachings.
He is GOD in the flesh - and He is JEALOUS for EVERY part of you. His name is Jesus Christ.
I’m Filipino American, and a proud daughter of first generation immigrants. For those who are not aware, Filipinos are mostly Catholic. It’s embedded in our culture. I grew up going to the Catholic church and got baptized as a baby, took CCD classes, and participated in the ceremony for First Communion and Confirmation (to be honest, I still don't really know what any of these are). I remember going through all of this and having no understanding of anything that I was doing. It was just tradition and routine.
Looking back at it all now, I am grateful to my parents for exposing me to God and to church. When I got saved, Holy Spirit showed me that as a kid I actually LOVED Jesus. I had no real understanding of the gospel, I didn’t understand the Bible, and we never read it - but there was something within me that just KNEW Him. That’s why the Bible says to not hinder children from coming to Jesus because such belongs the kingdom of God (Luke 18:15-17).
I look back and one of my favorite children's books was this story about Easter; Jesus’ resurrection. I remember flipping through it many times for whatever reason (although I will say I drew and wrote in it sometimes).
Look how good God is!!! I was going to try to find the book online and add in the image of the front cover, but in the process of me writing this blog article I was at a worship night in one of the ministry's I serve at. We were in one of the rooms praying before the service, and before I walked out I saw the exact book I'm talking about! ABBA LOVES HIS CHILDREN SO MUCH! I'm grinning like a child ear to ear! I promise not to write and draw in it this time!
As I got older, my understanding (what little that I did have of it) and connection to Jesus started to dwindle. I hated going to CCD. I dreaded it so much. I thought it was a nuisance in my schedule. I didn’t understand the point of it. I felt no connection to God, and soon enough I started to resent religion.
Fast forward to middle school years, and let me just say - puberty SUCKS!
My awareness of myself started to grow more and more, and the happy, joyful, and playful kid I once knew started to disappear. My growing awareness of myself and my body started to form and grow into self-hatred.
My awkwardness, my body, my mannerisms, the way that I moved, the way that I sounded, every inch of me - I hated it. Sure, the rise of social media played a role, and do I believe some of it was demonic oppression and generational things in my bloodline? Definitely.
But it was also me. It was the sin nature in me. Because hating yourself means that you hate God’s creation and that means going against His Word. It means that you reject His Word that calls us fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139: 13-14). That when He saw man and women and said, “it is good,” He truly did mean it (Genesis 1: 26-31). That even in the Garden of Eden, when we sinned against God He didn’t condemn us. Instead, He clothed us and gave us a promise that redemption and restoration would come (Genesis 3: 8-21 - look at the promise in verse 15). Self-hatred, as uncomfortable and heavy as it is, is a sin against God because what we are ultimately saying is that our own feelings towards ourself and how we see ourselves holds more weight and authority over what God says about us. This is a form of pride because we're beholding ourselves more than we're beholding God.
I was ashamed of myself, so I was hiding from God. That little girl who loved Jesus without really grasping who He really was started to fade as I started focusing on myself more and more.
All of this led to my teen and young adult years in depression. Suicidal ideation, a suicide attempt that led me to staying in a hospital clinic for about a week (something that I was deeply ashamed of when this transpired), an eating disorder that tormented me day and night, and struggling with self mutilation to the point that I still have some of the scars on my body that when I go to doctors they still have to ask me if this was recent or not.
Before I continue, I want to give a disclaimer.
I am sharing all of this not to glorify my trauma and my pain. There is a danger in our generation where we exalt our trauma over God, and where we give too much authority and power over our struggles rather than trusting in God. I share all of this not to give identity to any of those things I went through because when I was in the new age, I actually shared some of this. I was very loud about my pain and shared it consistently.
The only difference between me sharing it now vs then is that before I would share it and it was I who was glamorized and glorified. That I was my own savior, and that I was the one who was healing myself. I wanted the glory, I wanted the recognition, I wanted the applause for getting myself out of the pit.
"I, I, I." This is the sound of a culture that is so dependent on “self-healing” rather than surrender and submission to the very One who created us.
The difference in sharing all of this now is that NOTHING of my healing and redemption has come from me. It has all come through the finished work at Calvary and the blood that still works to this day to bring dead things to life. It has come from the man who told me TRUTH, because it’s truth that sets free (John 8: 31-32).
The truth that I was a wicked sinner, and I was in desperate need of saving. But in the truth and the exposing of my wickedness, of my depravity, and my pride, there was a way to forgiveness, salvation, and freedom. It was no longer I who was carrying my burdens, because it was all carried for me on the cross, nailed onto His hands and feet, and every burden, every sin, every wage fully paid off. I was purchased by the blood of Jesus Christ to be redeemed.
If you've ever struggled with depression and suicide, you understand the weight of it. There is a true spiritual weight that one can feel with it. It is so heavy. We were never meant to carry any of that. Literally, in the start of creation and the Garden of Eden depression and suicide was never God's intention for us. It came when we sinned against God. Maybe you haven't struggled with depression or suicide. But have you ever struggled with hatred? Jealousy? Unforgiveness? Bitterness? Anger? Those things are also extremely heavy. No one is able to bear the full weight of it - the weight of sin. But you know who did? Jesus.
The lure of new age is that it offers you false power. It says, “hey, come over here and I can give you the self confidence you’ve been looking for. Come over here and I can give you the attention and attraction you desire to hide and bury away the rejection and unworthiness that you struggle with. Come over here and I can give you the power to enact revenge.”
It may have the appearance and illusion of power because certain things will work, but it comes at a price for your soul. If you want true and real power - look at the cross and the empty grave of Jesus Christ.
The lure of new age is that you are your own savior and God. I define new age as witchcraft and occult. There’s a whole history to what new age really is and where it came from, but in the future I may write more blog articles going over it.
Our culture is inundated with teachings and beliefs from new age because the occult is now packaged in a way that sells and appeals to the masses. It doesn't take long for you to go into a Five Below and see all the books stocked with things such as moon manifestation, astrology, guides on how to do a tarot reading, etc. Even if you’ve never participated in blatant outright witchcraft, I guarantee that you have been exposed to the teachings of new age that have influenced your beliefs around faith and spirituality.
If you’ve used language or participated in things such as:
"The universe had my back." This is a big one! The universe can’t hear you - it’s a created thing not an actual being!
Sage or using anything to "cleanse" yourself from bad vibes. This is very common also. This can also include crystals, talisman, evil eye, etc. Trust me, you're not cleansing - you're inviting demons in! It's all idolatry. You're looking at something to help you rather than God Himself. You're looking at a created thing - sage and crystals are created (they come from the earth), and same thing with the symbols of talismans and the evil eye (created by men). You're not looking at the creaTOR, but rather worshipping a creaTION (Romans 1: 21-25).
Astrology and zodiac signs.
All paths lead to God. False! Jesus is the only way to the Father. Not my words, His words! John 14:6.
Higher self.
Shadow work.
Yoga and certain types of breath-work (ex: tantric breathing).
Meditation to maintain your peace.
Ascension to awaken the inner God essence in you.
Collective consciousness.
SELF SELF SELF-improvement that points you to you and not to Jesus (new age at the root of it is Luciferianism - worshipping of self to achieve enlightenment. Might go into this more in the future).
and so on...
If you have found yourself using some of this language or participating in some of these things, you most likely have beliefs that stems from the new age influence that’s in our culture. These beliefs will distort the way you see God and will not give you the true revelation of who He is. You will be worshipping a false god you made in your own image. This is why reading the Bible is so important! Truth sets free. A lot of people who confess that they believe in God are discipled and influenced more by culture than how God has already revealed Himself in Jesus Christ and the written Word.
Before I continue on and share on how I am now since getting saved, I want to share a bit on how the kingdom of darkness works to hopefully help give you some understanding.
One way that the kingdom of darkness works is that it feeds on your sin and on your pain. You have bitterness, jealousy, unforgiveness, and so on towards that person? “Bam!” says the devil. “Open door for me to come in and use this sin so that they can be led away from God's ways and follow my ways instead.”
Sin gives the devil legal grounds in your life. I always say this, but just as there are laws in the natural realm that we have here, there are laws in the spiritual realm. We cannot change them or alter them (as we can do here in the natural by voting if you live in a democracy) because it has all already been set in place by God, who existed before time even began. The spiritual realm isn't a democracy. Jesus is KING. He's ALPHA.
God doesn't just tell us to forgive, to not be envious, to not lust, to not particpate in witchcraft, and so on just because. He leads us away from those wicked ways because it's not for our good! Like a Father, He knows what is best for us!
Think about the occult and why initiations and rituals have to be conducted to welcome a person in, or to offer them a level up in their secret society (for those who don’t know, this is how it works). Oftentimes, the rituals are humiliating acts. They’re traumatic on the psyche.
The goal is to WEAR the person down, to fragment their soul, because the more fragmented and wounded the soul is, the more doors the enemy has access to you. Imagine an actual door. If that door stays open at all times, then anyone can walk in and out as much as they please. This is how it works in the spiritual realm with sin, until that door is closed through repentance and turning to Jesus.
If you ever listen to anyone’s testimony who came out of the occult, especially if they were deep in it, they often had very traumatic things happen to them in their life before they got initiated.
You don’t actually have to be in the occult for this to happen. These initiations happen in the spiritual realm first, and it shows up in the natural world through something happening to that person, and once that incident occurs - the devil now has legal ground. That’s why sometimes people can be lured into witchcraft and occultic teachings without them truly understanding why; example being me with all the pain and trauma I had from my depression and suicide.
Another way that the kingdom of darkness works is access to you through the bloodline. I won’t go into it too much here, but I have this picture that I saw on Instagram a couple years back that I agree with wholeheartedly.
That participation in the occult allows the enemy to look at your bloodline and go, “Oh. I see that this person’s ancestor from twenty generations back participated in a blood pact with me. I now have legal access to the current generation because of this."
How do you overcome this? It is only through the blood of Jesus. I won’t go into it too much, but the blood of Jesus is the highest currency in the spiritual realm. Remember, as there are laws here on earth, there are laws in the spiritual realm. As soon as you apply that blood onto whatever pact or involvement your ancestor had with the kingdom of darkness - it’s broken. The journey now is walking in freedom, and allowing (emphasis on allowing) God to rebuild and restore what was lost for generations in your family line because of that open door.
My conversion was radical. When I came to Christ, it was like a dream (Psalm 126:1). Addictions and vices fell off overnight that I woke up confused because I felt brand new. I suddenly knew the voice of Holy Spirit guiding me and leading me which was so completely different from the voices I would hear from the demonic realm, the Word started to come alive and I understood it with no background in theology or teaching. I was delivered from demons before I even understood what deliverance really was, and I was so passionate about Jesus that leaving everything that I had to leave behind, especially relationships that I was in for years, all of it was worth it if all I could have was just more of Him.
There is real, true, authentic peace in Jesus Christ.
Peace in the storm, peace in the struggle, peace in the not knowing, peace in the stretching and the pruning, peace in the battle, and so on. I’m not talking about false peace. The peace that’s dependent on my circumstances, on my surroundings, on my environment, and so on. That isn’t the peace I’m talking about. The peace that constantly leaves and where you have to do things to maintain the peace.
The peace I’m talking about remains.
Because when I was in the new age, my peace was always temporary. That’s why I had to keep doing a tarot card reading on myself every day because I was so anxious about the future. That’s why I had to keep going to get reiki done on myself because my soul was crying out for wholeness and restoration. That’s why I had to do spells on people because I didn’t trust them, nor myself, and wanted to take justice in my own hands. That’s why I had to do meditation everyday because I couldn’t stand the noise that was inside of my head all the time. That’s why I had to keep worshipping false gods and ancestors because I wanted connection, realness, and intimacy, but all those false lovers just left me empty and dry.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and I still struggle sometimes. I'm tested with my faith and what I believe in, I deal with fear and anxiety trying to weigh me down at times, I react out of my flesh rather than by the Holy Spirit in certain situations, I mess up and I make mistakes, the Father still has to discipline me when I'm living in sin, and everyday life continues to happen.
Jesus said that in this world we will have trials and tribulations (John 16:33). I don't care how long anyone has been in the faith, no one is immune or exempt from everyday life happening to them. But you know what else Jesus says in that verse?
"But take heart; I have overcome the world."
With Jesus, peace remains. Why? Because yes He is the prince of peace (Isaiah 9:6). He’s the RULER of it, but also because He is eternal. I truly believe that I can try and write what this peace is as much as I can, but until you have tasted Him yourself and see that He is good (Psalm 34: 4-10) then you’re never truly going to understand.
As a Christian, we carry our cross daily as we follow Jesus. The name Christian just translates to "follower of Christ" or "little Christ."
Our faith and our walk with Him isn’t a pass for us to live our lives however we want, but our faith reflects that in what we truly believe in. If I believe that He is who He says He is - that He is the way, the truth, and the life, the Good Shepherd, the Prince of Peace, worthy lamb of God, Alpha and Omega, King of kings and Lord of lords - then the only response that is worthy of all His glory, majesty, and wonder is all my worship and full surrender.
Surrender is easier said than done, but at the moment it’s the surrender that you have all to give. The desperation of one completely exhausted in searching every place for purpose, meaning, and wholeness that when you really truly let go - you stand face to face with the One who has always been calling you home.
